But I have always struggled with acceptance... with myself. I have dark shadows within me. Not demons, just shadows. What is a shadow? Shadows are those beings inside yourself that you "hate". Whenever the angry mobster comes out, that is a shadow. Road rage? Yes, a shadow. Maybe even fear. if you are afraid of something and you hate the fact that you are afraid, that my friends, is a shadow.
When you grow up learning to hate these things about you, you end up hating yourself. You can no longer accept yourself for who you are. So how can you expect others to accept you too? You cannot.
I have lived my entire childhood trying to be accepted. The "popular kids" always made fun of me, mocked me and made me feel like an outcasted idiot. I would try to stoop to their level and say similar things back to them, or to other kids thinking that I would be accepted. But no, that did not work. in fact it just isolated me more.
As an adult, I have of course grown out of that. But, I still struggle to accept myself and feel accepted by others. I have lost a lot of friends based on some over dramatic situation with which I had no control over. But my choice to stay neutral in this situation lead me to slowly lose those who were so close to me, those whom I loved so much. This heartbreaking moment left me with questions about myself. I began to shut down all friendships. Just recently I have tried to open back up.
I am on a new journey to find myself in this world. I need to accept myself for who I am first. Then find my path, my calling in life.
This is the Peppermint Trail. A peppermint is a symbol for healing, as it has many healing properties. It also seems to make everything better once you smell it or drink it in tea. It immediately calms you on a stressful day, or it can excite you when you are gloomy. My journey on this blog is hopefully going to help me open up. If i am honest with myself to the world, then i have nothing to hide, nor nothing to be ashamed of.
No one has to read this, No one has to like me. this is for me, but if you wish to read along, i hope i can inspire you if you struggle with similar things in life.
This blog is about finding my way in life, following my dreams, accepting myself, accepting others, thinking aloud, voicing frustrations but mostly embracing my life and myself. I will share my magical memories, my struggles, my triumphs, my sadness, my compassion, my anger and my love.
Thank you,
Cheryl
Cheryl! I love this. I really hope that you continue to blog.
ReplyDeleteI have often felt the same way. I was bullied a lot growing up. I haven't really ever felt like I belonged. It's hard sometimes because people can be so cruel and the people who you love the most can hurt you the most.
I feel like I can relate to you a lot about the friendship thing. It's really difficult to lose people who you thought were your friends. It's also difficult when there is drama that you feel you shouldn't have to deal with as an adult. I get it.
I am so glad that I finally met you!
Someone told me once that by writing and sharing our struggles, it not only frees us, it frees the people who read it or hear it, because you never know who may be going through something similar. Our stories are SO important.
I got your back. :)
Cheryl,
ReplyDeleteBlogging -- writing in general -- is such a phenomenal way to work thru, around, over these things...any direction you choose.
I joke that the phrase "walk it off" applies to nearly everything. Or, if something more is needed, I look to the Karate Kid and consider the option to "sweep the leg". (not really...but sometimes its tempting). But, in all honesty, you have what it takes inside you...and you can choose to find that strength or find blame to toss outward. I am glad you are finding the strength.
I happen to think you are pretty cool...and you do an amazing dinosaur impression. Big scores on this end of town.
Maria