When My Heart Felt the Most Pain

So many things are going through my mind right now.  But one thing that constantly pops up, is my biggest heartbreak in life. (this is really long and personal, sorry if it bores you)

Heartbreak.  Telling someone that "it will get better" after their heart has been severely broken is great and all, but it seems so unrealistic to the person who has been hurt.  I had my heart broken about 3 or 4 years ago by  group of close friends.  its a LONG drawn out story that is 3 or 4 years in the making.  only recently did we mostly sever ties.  We agreed to just let things be so that it never got nasty to a point where we would avoid each other if we saw each other.  So i guess it is the best possible way for things to end, but it is so painful, even to this day.

Life is actually less stressful, since i no longer feel that i have to walk on eggshells and watch what I say and do.  Yes i know, that is NOT a healthy relationship with anyone.  But i so deeply invested myself and my love for these people, that it was tough to let it go.  I still love them, and if i saw them i would give them a huge huge and tell them that i missed them greatly.

But its not that I miss the recent relationship with them.  I miss the "past that could have been".  I miss the friendship that was forming.  I do not miss what it became.  I do not hate them, i do not dislike them either.  i dislike what the friendship became.  that it the only thing that made it easier to movie on.  and once i did, life became less stressful mentally and emotionally.  I was always trying to prove myself, to prove i was worthy of their friendship, that i was trustworthy.

I was friends with someone whom they were not fond of all at.  again, its a long story.  But this began the heartbreak.  They all refused to go my birthday dinner b/c she was invited.  Then whenever i had a g2g, they would not go b/c she was there.  I had to have separate parties at my house for those friends, and a different one where she was invited.  i had to invite only certain people and if i had a party with her, and they were not invited they would be upset that i did not invite them.  But it got so bad that when i was pregnant with my son, i planned a baby shower. and i invited everyone.  but b/c one person was invited that entire group could not go.  some refused, some made up excuses, some probably had legitimate excuses (although my family didn't believe any of the excuses).  so those people whom i loved very much were not there for my baby shower, nor did they plan their own shower for me.

This was the CLIMAX of heartbreak.  Then my hubby and I got engaged last year.  The friend whom the other group did not like was becoming closer and closer to me.  that is usually what happened when one person pushes you away so much, you naturally, subconsciously look elsewhere for a happy relationship (this is often why there are affairs).  She made me a bridesmaid for her wedding, and when the time came, i decided to have her for my matron of honor.  Well of course this upset the other group and they pretty much told me then and there that they were done.  of course they were not nasty about it, it was more sad than anything.  i shed a few tears with one of them over the phone.  But that was that.

But i think it was best for them, for me and for everyone.  I wish they were still close, but in the relationship that started, not where it lead to.  i think it became toxic for all of us.  They did love Jordan a lot.  one of them would have been the best mommy in the world, but was not planning of having children.  so she was great with jordan.  I miss her and her little sister the most, as i was closest to them.
Time heals things.  it will take time, maybe a lot of time.   But it will be worth it to be able to smile with them again.  It won't be the same, obviously.  but it will be better than it is now, and we will all probably laugh at how young we were and how we had drama.  if love is there, it will heal.  so hopefully they love me as much as i love them.  if not, it was not meant to be.  that realizaton will probably break my heart a little more, but it won't be as painful as i have already been through with them.

This has been the hardest thing i have had in life and it still haunts me as i try to make new friends.  They were such a huge part of my life (10-12 years of it).  trying to make new friends has been easy, but my trust level in the friendship lasting is hard.  i have been open and honest with these friends though, so that they know why i am slow at growing and investing in the relationship.

But my wedding was great!  My new friends came and celebrated with me.  I was not going to have any friends at my wedding, but my new friendships were strong enough for me to feel that they did belong there.  To these people, I am grateful for their love and friendship.  to the past friends, i feel that they are still friends - just long lost friends that will be rekindled as time heals all things.